Austin's One-Year in pictures

Here is a picture of Hayley and Alyssa sitting outside of Austin's grave on his one year anniversary. It was a beautiful day to remember and honor him!

Here they are with their balloons before we released them. They were so excited to do this again, and this will be our tradition every year.

A beautiful sky, as the balloons float off to heaven for little Austin.

Close up of the balloons... the girls picked the colors: blue, yellow, green and white! (That is a big change from their normal pink and purple of everything!)

A glimpse of the surroundings of Austin's grave.... more pictures/reflections to come!

this time.... last year

this time.... last year! And so begins my trip down "memory lane." I woke up this morning and thought about where I was this time, last year on June 8th. The memory is so vivid; it feels like it was just yesterday. I could barely get out of bed last year on this day, and when I finally did, I knew I had to get myself to the hospital. I finally was admitted for what would be a long week and a half of ups/downs; highs/lows; joys/sorrows; waiting and hope.

This time, last year, I was in the hospital, hooked up to machines, receiving blood transfusions, and being reassured that I just had to hold on a little longer. This time, last year, as the day wore on, I went into labor. I went into labor and was scared to death. For the first time, I wasn't sure if I was going to hold on to the little baby, and I feared for my life. This time, last year, I was set to deliver by C-section. This time, last year, almost at this exact time, the contractions stopped, and I held on to hope that I was going to be the "Miracle Baby" story. This time, last year, I began an extremely intense roller coaster of emotions, and I remember almost every waking moment.

I am not really sure how I feel today; it still feels a little surreal. I just know that the next week and a half will be filled with memories of what happened those long days in the hospital, and what might have been.... I miss my little Austin....

Where does the time go?

Wow, it has been a long time since I blogged... I think the last time being a holiday weekend. Holidays are always tough; as is any occasion that allows you time to reflect on life and take a break from everything. Although I didn't write, Mother's Day was particularly tough, and it came out of nowhere... isn't that how it always happens. I thought I was just fine, but it hit really bad that Sunday night, and I just couldn't stop crying. As with the entire year, that too passed.

This past weekend, we celebrated my daughter's 3rd birthday, which she has highly anticipated for the past three months. While the day was extremely fun and she had a blast (how can you not when you are three?), there was an overall tension that I felt in anticipation for her birthday weekend. I know this is due to the fact is that all I could think about was where I was last year at this time... in bed, anxiously awaiting every day in the hopes that I would make it another day through the pregnancy. This time last year, I was naive, innocent, hopeful... and while I was on bedrest and in a great deal of pain and angst over what was going on with my body, I held on to the hope that it would all be worth it for my little one. Amazing how a year later, the circumstances can be so different. I am not as naive and innocent, and it has been an extremely difficult year, but I still hold on to hope... and that hope is what gets me through these difficult times, and the inevitable difficult moments that lie ahead...

This brings me to what has caused me to write tonight, as I feel I am trying to avoid the inevitable and deny that I am anxious about the looming first year anniversary date. My wonderful friend (and grief counselor) called me tonight and said that I needed to get out of my denial stage that the date is approaching, and make sure I have something in place for that day. I know I need to, and I feel like I somewhat have a vision in my head, but I just feel like I want to be able to honor the date, yet not have a day of mourning and sadness. With that said, I know that I want to have people with me that day, and I think the best people and support I need for that particular day would come from my friends, as opposed to family. I just feel like I have had a difficult time relating to my family during this time, and I think this will cause me further stress for a day that is going to be hard enough. But then I feel guilty, in that if my family finds out, will they be offended?

So I guess if you have any suggestions as to what I can do on this day... I would greatly appreciate it! I keep all of you in my thoughts and prayers often.... and am so grateful to have found this blog as an outlet for my feelings.