Austin's One-Year in pictures

Here is a picture of Hayley and Alyssa sitting outside of Austin's grave on his one year anniversary. It was a beautiful day to remember and honor him!

Here they are with their balloons before we released them. They were so excited to do this again, and this will be our tradition every year.

A beautiful sky, as the balloons float off to heaven for little Austin.

Close up of the balloons... the girls picked the colors: blue, yellow, green and white! (That is a big change from their normal pink and purple of everything!)

A glimpse of the surroundings of Austin's grave.... more pictures/reflections to come!

this time.... last year

this time.... last year! And so begins my trip down "memory lane." I woke up this morning and thought about where I was this time, last year on June 8th. The memory is so vivid; it feels like it was just yesterday. I could barely get out of bed last year on this day, and when I finally did, I knew I had to get myself to the hospital. I finally was admitted for what would be a long week and a half of ups/downs; highs/lows; joys/sorrows; waiting and hope.

This time, last year, I was in the hospital, hooked up to machines, receiving blood transfusions, and being reassured that I just had to hold on a little longer. This time, last year, as the day wore on, I went into labor. I went into labor and was scared to death. For the first time, I wasn't sure if I was going to hold on to the little baby, and I feared for my life. This time, last year, I was set to deliver by C-section. This time, last year, almost at this exact time, the contractions stopped, and I held on to hope that I was going to be the "Miracle Baby" story. This time, last year, I began an extremely intense roller coaster of emotions, and I remember almost every waking moment.

I am not really sure how I feel today; it still feels a little surreal. I just know that the next week and a half will be filled with memories of what happened those long days in the hospital, and what might have been.... I miss my little Austin....

Where does the time go?

Wow, it has been a long time since I blogged... I think the last time being a holiday weekend. Holidays are always tough; as is any occasion that allows you time to reflect on life and take a break from everything. Although I didn't write, Mother's Day was particularly tough, and it came out of nowhere... isn't that how it always happens. I thought I was just fine, but it hit really bad that Sunday night, and I just couldn't stop crying. As with the entire year, that too passed.

This past weekend, we celebrated my daughter's 3rd birthday, which she has highly anticipated for the past three months. While the day was extremely fun and she had a blast (how can you not when you are three?), there was an overall tension that I felt in anticipation for her birthday weekend. I know this is due to the fact is that all I could think about was where I was last year at this time... in bed, anxiously awaiting every day in the hopes that I would make it another day through the pregnancy. This time last year, I was naive, innocent, hopeful... and while I was on bedrest and in a great deal of pain and angst over what was going on with my body, I held on to the hope that it would all be worth it for my little one. Amazing how a year later, the circumstances can be so different. I am not as naive and innocent, and it has been an extremely difficult year, but I still hold on to hope... and that hope is what gets me through these difficult times, and the inevitable difficult moments that lie ahead...

This brings me to what has caused me to write tonight, as I feel I am trying to avoid the inevitable and deny that I am anxious about the looming first year anniversary date. My wonderful friend (and grief counselor) called me tonight and said that I needed to get out of my denial stage that the date is approaching, and make sure I have something in place for that day. I know I need to, and I feel like I somewhat have a vision in my head, but I just feel like I want to be able to honor the date, yet not have a day of mourning and sadness. With that said, I know that I want to have people with me that day, and I think the best people and support I need for that particular day would come from my friends, as opposed to family. I just feel like I have had a difficult time relating to my family during this time, and I think this will cause me further stress for a day that is going to be hard enough. But then I feel guilty, in that if my family finds out, will they be offended?

So I guess if you have any suggestions as to what I can do on this day... I would greatly appreciate it! I keep all of you in my thoughts and prayers often.... and am so grateful to have found this blog as an outlet for my feelings.

Springtime

Spring is most definitely in the air, and while I have been away for quite some time, it doesn't mean that I am completely over everything. In fact, I fooled myself into thinking that Springtime would erase the pain and I would finally be starting anew... how many times I have been telling myself this, and yet, I still have to remember that this journey takes time.... and a change of a season is really only that.

I have been really busy the past month, which is why I haven't been posting, but I have been thinking about my own grief, the grief of all of the women that read this, and I have kept you in my thoughts and prayers. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to call in to many of the phone calls with the Anchored by Hope group; however, I am following along in my book, and it has brought me so much comfort. It is amazing how the verses selected just make such complete sense, and how very important and real it is to feel all of the many emotions that we all feel.

Anyway, Austin's tree has bloomed, and I found it very ironic that 17 blooms were to be counted as of last night; it does look so beautiful, and I am so grateful for the people that planted it because last summer I didn't realize how much it would really mean to me. Also, this week, Austin's headstone has finally arrived... ugh... that is something I have been dreading, and I didn't think it would be here that soon... nonetheless, it is, and I guess it is time that we finally put it where it belongs.

I hope all of you are doing well and are able to find some peace and most certainly, some hope this Easter weekend. As the flowers bloom and the weather gets warmer, I know the moments of sadness, grief, anxiety and loneliness won't disappear, but at least the dark, dreary, grey and cold days seem to be behind us.... and for this, I am extremely grateful.

Happy Easter....

lingering thoughts from yesterday...

Yet, in spite of the change that has occurred, I just feel sad and still a little broken, and maybe even helpless, when I have moments or days like these....

Change or Still the same?

Wow... it has been a long time since I have posted, which sometimes I feel is almost a good thing. Not posting as much means that I feel like I have gotten somewhat back to a normal life; I am busy; I am happy. But am I? Sure, the crazy work days are exhausting, and I am not consumed with grief anymore, but once again, my lovely friend, "the heavy, weight feeling," has returned the past couple of days. Nothing that I can't handle; nothing compared to the way it was; but still a lingering pain that I can't seem to shake. So as I am sitting here replaying the events of the day, and just catching my breath after a long day of work and class, I find myself wondering, what is it that I can't shake?

And then I think about how much time has passed; how much time really has gone by since my life changed forever. I think about how far I have come; how far I really have come throughout this whole grief journey. I think about what I really was like those early months of denial and shock, and I am proud of myself for how far I have come. But then I also think about how much the one year anniversary looms, and questions flood me as to what am I going to feel; how am I going to act; am I going to have this "achy" feeling until then? Questions that I know I can't possibly answer; questions that I know I can't let consume me; questions that nonetheless invade my thoughts throughout the day, especially right now.

So, I have been thinking the past couple of days (maybe, it is the return of the warm weather that is kind of bringing things back to me) of how I am going to honor Austin's one-year-anniversary. I was so scared and in denial last year at the funeral; I was so numb to anything; perhaps, this year I should do something that really honors him. Do I keep it small and private to only a few people, or do I plan something that allows my whole family to take part in. (Remember, I have had a hard time dealing with my family, and have been pretty closed off to most of them in regards to Austin.) I don't know, part of me thinks a one-year-anniversary has allowed me the time to work through all of my issues and finally "celebrate" his life. It is a couple of months away, so I don't need to decide now, but I guess that inevitable date has started to creep in my mind.

While I know my grief journey isn't over, considering the thoughts that I have been having the past couple of days, I do feel so blessed to have found some positives throughout this. The whole time, even from the very beginning, I knew God hadn't abandoned me, and I knew that He was going to work through me in ways that I didn't know He could. I knew that I was going to be changed, and I knew that despite the horrendous grief and suffering I experienced, I was a better person for it.

I say this after pondering how I have changed. During the online bible study last Thursday, one of the questions asked us to consider how we have changed, or what positives have come as a result of our situations. One particular blessing that I take from all of this is how I am able to look at almost any situation from a different perspective. As a teacher, I deal with a variety of students coming from different backgrounds and home situations. For some reason this year, it feels like more than ever, I have so many students dealing with loss, grief, anxiety, stress, depression, or some other emotional struggle. While I have always been sympathetic to them, I feel more than ever, I am able to use what happened to me and reach these students in ways I have never been able to before. I don't have to tell them what I went through; I don't have to even talk to them about what they are going through; I can look at them and understand; I can look at them and see the sadness and the pain; I can look at them and actually empathize. I look at them, and see them not as a student in my English class, but as a person, who needs to be reached sometimes at more than just an academic level, but sometimes they just need to know that you understand.

So, as I am sitting here wrestling with my uncomfortable and nagging aches and pains, which I have come to accept is my body's way of dealing with my stress and grief, I do give thanks to God for allowing my perspective to change, and for ultimately allowing Austin's life to give me a way to change how I look and interact with others.

17

What's in a number? Well, let's just say, 17 never held much meaning until this past year. And now, here is another 17th; a date every month that has become easier to deal with, but the events replay constantly and it just serves as almost an entire day of remembrance.

As I am sure we can all relate, we are constantly trying to find ways to make something unique related to our situation. At least I am. So of course, I knew something was different about today's 17. When I went back and checked, I realized that this is the first Wednesday the 17th since June 17th. I guess that makes sense, considering today marks 8th month.

So, if you can't tell, I am not really in the mood for writing today (going back to work after a 2-week snow break is taking its toll!), but heres to another 17, as my life remains forever changed.

Out of the mouth of Babes...

So we had just put the girls down to bed, and Alyssa (my two and a half year old)began a very long conversation to herself. I sat in my room and listened and typed out what she was talking about:

"Hayley says I am a baby at Grandma Chapman's house, and I say No, I am not a baby. And I want mommy to have another baby and baby Austin is not in her stomach anymore. And baby Austin is a baby and baby Jesus is a baby and Austin is my friend, but Jesus is not my friend. (this part made me sad). Hayley is my sister. And my door is open so i can get out in the morning time. She's sad and Mommy's sad."

She gets out of her bed. I put her back and she said her bunny was sad. I asked her why. I said "Were you talking about Austin, and she said yes." She said, "Well Austin and Jesus." I said , Well Austin isn't Jesus." Then she said, "Well, Austin is friends with Jesus. (wanted to cry) I said, "who told you this?" She said, "I did."

I put her back to bed and when I leave the room, she starts talking again. She says, "I am talking about Austin and Jesus and Jesus isn't Austin. I told mommy that Jesus and Austin are friends."

She then proceeds to talk about her friends that are going to come over to her house the next day. I find it absolutely amazing what was going through her mind, as we hadn't even been talking about him or anything before bed tonight. We always say our prayers and remember him, but that was it. Amazing that she makes the connection so simply and can remember so clearly what we have talked about in the past. We have told her that Austin is with Jesus, and I think she equates Jesus to always being a baby (from Christmas), but still the connection is there and she knows they are together.

I think I needed this reminder today, as the drive home from work today, I couldn't seem to keep my mind off of him. And I thank God that I have this sweet little girl of mine for the precious reminder that Austin is indeed with Jesus, and they are in fact, friends!

God's Lent Child

I had coffee this morning with a woman, who lost a son nearly twenty years ago (amazing, how many people I have met in my hometown who have been through this.) She shared with me the following poem:

God's Lent Child
"I'll lend you for a little while
A child of mine," God said--
"For you to love the while she lives,
And mourn for when she's dead.

It may be one or two years
Or forty two or three;
But will you, till I call her back,
Take care of her for me?

She'll bring her charms to gladden you
And--(Should her stay be brief)-
You'll have her lovely memories
As a solace for your grief.

I cannot promise she will stay,
Since ALL from earth return;
But the lessons taught below
I want this child to learn.

I've looked the whole world over
In search for teachers true;
And from the things that crowd
Life's lane-- I have chosen you.

Will you give her all your love?
Nor think the labor vain?
Nor hate me when I come to take
This lent child back again?"

I fancied that I heard them say
"Dear Lord, Thy will be done.
For joys Thy child will bring
The risk of grief we'll run.

We will shelter her with tenderness,
We'll love her while we may--
And for the happiness we've known
Forever grateful stay.

But should Thy angels call for her
Much sooner than we've planned,
We'll brave the grief that comes
And try to understand."

My Sister's Keeper Thoughts

So, I finally finished reading, "My Sister's Keeper," after having it in possession for the last nine months. After completing it, I now know why I hadn't started it until last week, and why it took me a good week to finish it. After getting half way through it last week, I had to put it down, as a lot of it had become too "heavy" to deal with, but I really wanted to know how it finished, so I read the last of it today.

With that said, I found myself folding down several pages, as several passages spoke to me, and resonated with everything I have dealt with or felt over the course of this long journey. So I feel compelled to share the quotes that captured me and why they moved me in the way that they did. There are some quotes that I have far more to comment on than others, while some need no words or thoughts, they just speak to me. This is quite a long post, but for those of you who have read the book, I think you will understand why...

"The human capacity for burden is like bamboo--far more flexible than you'd ever believe at first first glance."
Until this year, I hadn't experienced burden, and while that sounds very negative to think of my situation, or what happened with Austin as a burden, that is sometimes how it feels. Sometimes it was more than I thought I could bear; there were times in the few months after he died, that I didn't think I could make it through the pain, the unshakable burden of grief. As this quote states, my capacity was far more flexible than I ever envisioned, and I am so thankful it was because while the pain has been unbearable, I continue to make it through.

"We are not the first parents to lose a child. But we are the first parents to lose our child. And that makes all the difference."
This needs no words.... just brought tears to my eyes.

"If you were me... and the medical ethics committee handed you back a piece of paper with a suggested course of action that would save your son's life, would you question them further... or would you just jump at the chance."
For me, as I have expressed before, I don't have a lot of regret as far as Austin is concerned, nor do I spend much time dwelling in the "what if's." However, it is inevitable that the human mind will drift to the "what if" scenarios, and this passage struck me in that I wish I never had to make a decision. I wish that there was a course of action that could have saved Austin's life; I wish so greatly that I could have jumped at a chance to have given him a second chance or even a fighting chance at all... I know the decision I made was the right one; deep down I do, but the whole life support issue still gets to me, and I know that is something that I need to trust that God was there with us the whole time, and we really weren't the ones making the decisions.

"It doesn't take a whole long life to realize that what we deserve to have, we rarely get."
This quote caught me in the sense that the word deserve is such a "catch 22," and I think this is a rather cynical way of viewing life. Did I deserve to have a son, I guess anyone would say, sure, I deserved to have him. On the other hand, do we rarely get things we deserve or desire; I would choose to disagree, and say that often times we do get what much more, as opposed to "rarely."

"Change isn't always for the worse; the shell that forms around a piece of sand looks to some people like an irritation, and to others like a pearl."
What good possibly come from the loss of an infant? What good could possibly come from the horrendous pain and suffering that comes with losing a child? I will tell you that the loss of Austin has changed me profoundly, and while I hate that it happened to me, and I hate that things turned out the way they did; my change in the way I look at life and other's situations is a positive change, as opposed to the immense irritation I once thought this whole situation was.

"We hadn't been going anywhere, and the place we wound up was awful and still I wouldn't have traded that week for the world."

"Not that... Because you know what it's like to not have any control over your body."
Control...something I always thought I had, and something I realized I had to let go of.... you see, the entire time I was pregnant with Austin, I had no control over the bleeding, I had no control over the outcome... and as still as I sat and as much as I stayed in bed, what happened was going to happen, and I had no control over it. The day he was born, I had no control over that. The weeks and months of pain and suffering; I didn't have control over. I tried to believe that I had control; I wanted so badly to have control over my body and my emotions, but I knew I had to let go at some point.... let go for myself, let go for others, let go for God to use me in ways I never knew were possible.

"That in addition to the piece of me that's always wanted Kate to live, there's another, horrible piece of me that sometimes wishes I were free."
Whew... this was a rough one for me to read because this explains exactly how I felt those two weeks in the hospital. I thank God I didn't realize how sick I was; I thank God it wasn't until the end that I wasn't scared for my life because naivete in this case was a good thing for me. You see, until I realized that my life was in danger, I would have done anything to hang on to my little boy. With my whole being, I wanted to do everything I could to keep Austin and allow him the chance at life, but I would be lying that there was also a piece of me that was scared to death and wanted to be freed of the nightmare. I wanted to be freed of the fear of the unknown; I wanted to just have answers. For this, I have felt guilt because in the moments right after Austin was born; I was just so relieved to be free... I was so relieved to be "done," to have answers and to know I was okay. This probably has been the most difficult part of my journey of grief.

"That Kate's death would be the worst thing that's ever happened to me... and also the best."
Note best would be too strong of a word for me... but I think you understand the idea.

"Nowadays I can hardly remember what that old house looked like. I walk out the front door and never recall the streth of months that the gaping lot stood out, conspicious in its absence, like a lost tooth. It took some time, you know, but the new owners? They did rebuild."
I use this metaphor, as I am the gaping house that stood empty and lost for several months. That is exactly how I felt, no matter how I disguised it, no matter how much I put on a "front" that things were okay. I was lost and empty, and didn't think I would ever rebuild. There are still times, even eight months out, that I still have this feeling. But just as an empty house gains new owners, I feel like I myself am a new owner of my body, spirit, and mind. I have learned to deal with the empty, achy feeling, and I have learned that I am going to continue to rebuild...and rebuild...and rebuild.

"I realize that we never have children, we receive them. And sometimes it's not for quite as long as we would have expected or hoped. But it is still far better than never having had those children at all."

Interesting way to look at it, but so very true, in that we truly are receiving these children from God, and we may never understand why they were taken from us, but as hard as it is to remember, because God knows it is for me, but they truly belong to Him, and not for us to "have."

"In the English language, there are orphans and widows, but there is no word for the parent who loses a child."

"Grief is a curious thing, when it happens unexpectedly. It is a Band-Aid being ripped away, taking the top layer off a family. And the underbelly of a household is never pretty, ours no exception...See, as much as you want to hold on to the bitter sore memory that someone has left this world, you are still in it. And the very act of living is a tide: at first it seems to make no difference at all, and then one day you look down and see how much pain has eroded."

And this is what I was left with, as tears were streaming down my face and the book came to a close, and I realized that this summed up the past year of my life. I am so grateful I didn't read this book in the hospital when I was given it, as I wouldn't have understood the depths of it, and it wouldn't have placed much meaning in my life. (It also would have made me way more depressed and sad, which is probably why I cast it aside in the first place.) I guess today, or even the past month, I have been able to take a step back and realize just what a difference the time has made; and can see how far I have come... physically, emotionally and spiritually.

Inspiring Devotional

Came across the following message in my devotional this morning, and thought it might serve as inspiration and positive way to look at our difficult situations.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose"(Romans 8:28, NIV)

Life can be full of ups and downs, twists and turns. We've all had to face challenges and difficulties. But did you know that everything you've been through up until now is getting you prepared for what God is going to do in your future? Nothing in your life has been wasted. Every disappointment, every setback, every person that did you wrong, every lonely night, God is going to turn around and use for your good!

During the difficult times, we grow and mature. That's when our faith is stretched and our character is developed. God didn't send that hardship, but He'll use it to get you prepared for your next step. Those adversities will help make you and mold you into the person you are called to be.

You may be experiencing tough times today, but remember, nothing is ever wasted. Have the attitude that says, "This is a new day. Things are shifting in my favor. This difficulty is not going to stop me. It's going to promote me. It was meant to bring me down, but I know the truth; God is going to use it to lift me up and lead me into victory all the days of my life."

A Broken Heart

Yesterday, we had another snow day, and they are just bittersweet to me. I feel an overwhelming sense of sadness and loneliness on these days, and we are about to get another 2 feet tomorrow and Saturday, so I feel like my little "funk" will continue.

Needless to say, yesterday, I was home with the girls, and I decided to do a craft with them. (As I have noticed some others indicate, this past year, I have defintiely felt like a sub-par Mom, in that the television has been on a great deal, and I just haven't been able to connect with them as much as others may think I could/should. I can't tell you how many people say, "Your two little ones need their Mommy so much," and while I know this is true, I can't help but feel some guilt in that I can't be as emotionally available to them as I may have been).

I digress.... but this is what prompted my craft activity with them. We decided to make hearts for Valentine's Day, in which I ended up doing the majority of the cutting and taping onto the windows, and I must say, it does look really cute. As I was cutting the hearts (I did it the "old school" way, of folding the paper over and then cutting half the heart), I realized, that is indeed how my heart feels.... broken and in half. While the pain has definitely lessened, it is still there, and I just feel so broken. Broken because I can't fix this pain; broken because my heart has never before felt so much pain, anguish and sadness. My heart really is broken, and I guess as with any part of your body that is broken, time will heal, but I just feel like this one is taking a long time, or far longer than I ever expected.

Until today when I spoke with someone at work (my former Spanish teacher, as I teach at the same school I attended in high school), and I was going to talk to her about something related to a student, and after awhile, she just asked how I was doing, and if I was ever going to try again. Only certain people can ask that question, and it just felt so easy and natural to answer her. I should have known that she understood the pain. She went on to tell me that twenty-five years earlier, she lost her son after some complications, and had to deliver him. As she recalled parts of her story with tears in her eyes, we both just understood so clearly how broken our hearts were and are. Even twenty-five years later, she said she still thinks about him and what happened, and I guess as always, that brought me some perspective.

It has only been seven months; I lost a son; I lost Austin; my heart isn't going to heal over a couple of months, or even a couple of years. It might be broken for awhile; I hope that the intense physical pain will continue to lessen, but in talking with her this morning, I realized I am always going to have a piece of my heart ache for my son, as I am sure all of us will. While I may continue to have a broken heart, I am so blessed to not be broken in spirit because although the depths of this pain is unimaginable to most; I do know that I have learned so much from this experience. I know that I will continue to learn from this experience, and perhaps that will be my next post... what I have learned so far from the past several months.

Until then... I hope that I can take this snow storm for what it is worth, enjoy the time with my husband and two little girls, and enjoy the complete and whole hearts that cover our kitchen windows.

Snowy Days...

So, an unexpected beautiful snow is falling here in Virginia, and I must admit it is wonderful, and I truly love watching it fall from the sky, but it also brings a mix of emotions. Maybe it is the fact that when it snows, you become trapped in your house and can't go anywhere, and I sometimes have a hard time with that. Maybe it is because the feelings of a snowstorm usually elicit excitement and happiness, yet it also just makes me feel sad and lonely. Maybe because here is another snow storm that has hit, and I feel guilty because Austin's grave will be covered, and I still haven't gotten the headstone.

There is something about the snow covering the ground without a marker there that just makes me sad. I know I need to order it; I don't know what I have been waiting for. Well, I do know, it is really expensive, but I think it is something else too. I think I know that once that is ordered, once it is placed, it will become more final to me. I think I need this to happen, so I hope that this snowy day will push me to make sure we don't have another snowy day without his grave being marked.

While I defintiely don't feel like I have to visit his grave in order to be with him or think about him, I do know I don't go nearly as often as I "should" or "want" to. Again, I think if we had a headstone, that might make it easier to go there. It is hard to go and just stare at an empty, small space. Hmm, so maybe that is why the snow falling is causing me to feel uneasiness today, as I know there are things that I still need to do, and there are reasons for me still feeling unsettled.

What a Day!

Today began as any other Saturday: lay in bed with the girls and Aaron, drag myself out of bed to go work out for an hour, and then meet at Starbucks for weekend drinks and breakfast. All was going well with each of these things, until I decided to run by the hair place to see if I could make an appointment. I should have just looked the number up because as I pulled up to the curb to quickly run in the store, I accidentally swiped the Mercedes behind me. Yes, of course, had to be a Mercedes. The funny thing is that I didn't even realize it until I hear a loud rapping on my door before I could even open it. I open the door, and the man is yelling furiously at me that I hit his car and I was trying to flee the scene. Ok, buddy, I am about fifteen feet still in front of your car, stopped, of course I wasn't going to get very far. We did the typical change information, and I just thought "oh well, bad luck..."

I go home, shower and get ready for my hair appointment. I come back to the same location where the previous incident occurred, and as I was parking the car this time, I completely misjudged and hit the car to the right of the me. "Are you freaking kidding me?" What the hell was wrong with me. The second time in one day, really, this is not really happening. I go inside the nail place (I frequent that location often too), and I ask if any of the women drive that particular car. Of course, one of them does, and yet again, it is the exchange of the insurance information. Thankfully, my attitude remains the same, "Oh well, bad luck."

When I went into the hair salon, the woman who cut my hair couldn't beleive what had happened, and she asked, "Do you have a lot on your mind or something?" Oh geez, did she really want to ask that question... I should just refer her to this site to understand what "a lot on my mind means." Anyway, I explained to her that my hair will not stop falling out, and she asked if I had a pregnancy, and I said yes. She said that it is normal, and I said still seven months out, and she said, yes, usually until about ten months. UGH! So then when she asks how is the baby, she inevitably knows that I have a lot on my mind.

You see, the little things that happened earlier (minor car accidents) are probably the result of just that: too much on my mind. Because you see, no matter what I am constantly reminded of Austin and the events that took place this year. Take my hair for instance, the constant falling out of my hair is an everyday occurance, which as a normal post-pregnancy event wouldn't usually bother me. Now, it annoys me even more because I am still losing the hair, and my body still goes on and my hormones are all still there post-baby, yet it is all magnifed that much more becuase there is no baby.

So... the constant clutter on my mind is always there; does it ease at times, of course, but lately the "clutter" or "Austin" has been on there non-stop! It isn't always a bad thing, but I can tell you it does add a lot of stress to my every day life.

So to avoid adding any more stress, I will make sure my husband drives tonight, and I will enjoy the date night that is defintiely needed after the craziness of today!

Introducing Julia

Just as Katy introduced me to all of you wonderful women, I also want to introduce Andrea, and her Christmas angel, Julia, at her new blog, http://juliachristmasangel.blogspot.com. I hope the link works, as I know Andrea could benefit from the support of all of us, who unfortunately are all enduring the grief and sorrow of losing our babies, yet becoming stronger as a result of the great support from one another.
Andrea~ I hope you will find this as therapeutic as I have found online journaling to be... xoxo!

Seven Months

Surprisingly, I didn't post the past couple of days, although it marked seven months on Sunday since I saw my little Austin. I didn't post because despite the anniversary, it was a good day, and I took the day for what it was and did just that; enjoyed it. Of course, we took time to remember him; we went to church, and someone had actually offered the Mass for him, so it felt nice to just hear his name mentioned in the intentions. We had planned to go to the cemetery, but it was pouring rain and with two kids, we figured it was probably not the best decision. Instead, we went for a family breakfast, just the four of us. We did the mundane grocery shopping, and then I came home and actually put the house back together. I can tell I had been in a fog for awhile because the house was looking rough. I re-arranged things, and placed out some Valentine and Love decorative pieces. I even put up a picture of Austin in the kitchen now, above the sink. There are new frames everywhere, and the house looks so much better.


Although Sunday was a restful day, and I was filled with peace, the inner turmoil and sadness returned yesterday and have continued throughout the day! I don't know what it is; I guess it is when I am alone and with my thoughts that I am just genuinely sad. It doesn't matter if I am exercising or sitting in my classroom after a long day, my mind immediately turns to him and sometimes it just still feels so overwhelming. Where I have come so far, at times I feel like it is all replaying over and over again, and it is never going to stop.

Last night, I asked my husband if he thought we were ready to have a baby; I know I am not yet, but I just wanted to see what he would say. He said probably not for another three-four years; not the response I was soliciting, and I guess that too made me sad. Sad because never before would getting preganant provide such fear, apprehension and uncertainity. Sad because it is so daunting to look at the "next one" and really believe that it is possible. Although it is sad, the glimmer is that I can actually think about having one, which I know I have a come a long way if I can find some hope in another child.

As I write this, I am also sad because I return to grad school tonight, and it is back to the building where I had a really bad bleed and an ambulance had to come.... it just brings back the flood of awful memories that were part of this whole long process. Of course, I am just re-living that day, where the bleeding became serious and I realized how long of a battle it was going to be; of course then, I still thought it was all going to be worth it.

Well, I wish I would have posted this on Sunday, on a much happier, lighter note, but we all know how quickly emotions change, so I am sure you will understand.

complicated emotions

Here we go again... what seems like the never-ending rocky ride of this rollercoaster journey. This week has been difficult, I have had a lot on my mind and that achy "weight on my chest" feeling has returned. The week started with a guest speaker at church speaking about the sanctity of life and he told the story of a woman that had a baby at 23 weeks old, and the baby was fighting for its life right now. (This should probably be another post, but let's just say, the way the message was conveyed, it made me question and doubt the decisions we were forced to make in the hospital that day.) Needless to say, my mind and heart have been wrestling with the whole "what if" scenarios that I usually try so very hard to avoid.

Tonight, as I checked my email, I found out my sister is pregnant with her seventh child.... sadness, bitterness, anger, annoyed, envious are probably all the emotions I felt as soon as I read the email.... I knew this day would come when someone else in my family would have the "next baby," but I just didn't think I would feel this bad about it. That is all I can write for the moment; I am so sad and frustrated... I feel so tainted and jaded when it comes to pregnancy, especially when it seems so "natural and normal" for everyone else.

The Meaning of Life

Never before have the topics and discussions we have had in class ever related more to my life. The past couple of class periods we have discussed the meaning of life, and how authors and those that wrote during the Romantic era, have a very profound and often very accurate depiction of the meaning of life. Today's poem in class couldn't be more poignant in my life right now, and I share with you the following verses.

Not enjoyment, and not sorrow,
Is our destined end or way;
But to act, that each tomorrow
Find us farther than today.
Art is long, and Time is fleeting,
And our hearts, though stout and brave,
Still, like muffled drums, are beating
Funeral marches to the grave.
In the world's broad field of battle,
In the bivouac of Life,
Be not like dumb, driven cattle!
Be a hero in the strife!
Trust no Future, howe'er pleasant!
Let the dead Past bury its dead!
Act, - act in the living Present!
Heart within, and God o'erhead! (Henry Wadsworth Longfellow)

As I went over the verses with my class, I couldn't help relating this to my own life, and surprisingly, I had the courage to share with some of my students what exactly happened. (Of course, I spared them many details, but I did disclose how this has been a very "trying" time period in my life, and as Longfellow as suggested, instead of giving in to the sorrow, I have had to be courageous and brave to get through this difficult time. I have had to continue living in the moment, keep going to work, taking care of my kids, moving on with my life. Are there times when I don't want to do anything; of course, but as Longfellow suggests, time keeps going, and I have to make the most of this situation that I have been dealt.

As Longfellow states, we are born into this life not for pure enjoyment, but rather that both happiness and sorrow are two states that are inevitable in every human's lives. Of course, one of the most intense sorrows any person will ever feel is losing their child, but it is important to remember this outlook on life, in that tragedies happen on a daily basis, but what makes a person heroic is to live in the moment, and be courageous despite the strife and difficulties one is enduring.

Life is a beautiful thing that should be cherished and treasured. Does that mean that life is always going to be full of beautiful things; absolutely not! How do we get through these unpleasant times, I feel the last two lines are what I truly need to remember, although they are so difficult during my most painful moments. I know that I have to let go of the past, and letting go doesn't mean forgetting what happened to me. However, I have to let go and realize it is a part of life that has changed me, and go forth and live in the present. I need to continue to follow my heart, and probably the most important, Trust in God overhead. At times when the grief is so overwhelming, it is hard for me to let go and believe that God understands my sorrow, and that God is there for me. It is hard for me to become so wrapped up in MY pain and aches, and just yearn for it to be over, rather than turn it over to Him and allow Him to work it out for me. While I have gotten better, it is still a challenge for me on a daily basis.

As I am sitting here right now writing this, I am watching the coverage on the news regarding the Haiti earthquake. My heart aches for this country, that as a whole, has endured so much pain and suffering. Why? Why does this continue to happen to them, is what I immediately want to ask? Again, this poem resonates in that, tragedies are going to occur, and we must rely on the spirit within us, no matter how battered we are, as well as our Lord to help us overcome the tough times.

My thoughts and prayers go out to the people of Haiti, as well as every individual that continues to endure the challenges and often painful times of Life. While there is deep sadness and tragedy, I still choose to realize the goodness of all tragedies, as often these unfortunate times truly test and show the beauty of the human spirit.

Light at the End of the Tunnel

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S7V5t9ECZXo

I remember coming across this song as I was trying to get back in shape around month 3 of this grief journey of mine. I was on a run trying to just get through a mile without worrying about my cramps, or neverending aches and pains, and this song helped me endure. I realized that I was going through an enormous amount of pain and suffering, but I also knew that there was light, and while the tunnel may be long, I was going to get through it. About three months later, and still trying to get back in shape (ugh!), I listened to that song today and realized how long my tunnel must really be. (sigh!)

Anyway, after working out today and coming home, I couldn't help but have the achy feeling again. As I laid on my bed, I tried to get some energy to go to the mall to help my sister get her ring sized (she is newly engaged), I found myself laying there and tears just falling from my face. No explanation, but instead of questioning, I let them fall. Oh, how I miss my little one today. I took the ten minutes by myself, and instead of being afraid of feeling, I just felt. I read some other women's blogs, felt a little better, and went to the mall. I did a little retail therapy ($20 purple pumps), and came home to rest with the girls. I had a little talk with Hayley about Austin, as I feel like I never shared enough with her about him. We talked about him and she said if Mommy has a baby again, she wants it to be a girl. I get that sentiment, and sometimes when I can even get to that place of thinking about having another one, I almost think the same thing.

Perhaps my body feeling the empty feeling was preparing me for tonight, as we met our new niece tonight. (She was born six weeks early, and we hadn't met her yet because she couldn't be around little children, and I admit I was a little nervous to meet her.) We went to the high school basketball game because Aaron's brother is one of the coaches, and I held her.... all tiny in pink and reminded me of Hayley and Alyssa when they were oh so little. It was the first time I have held a baby since I held Austin. That is kind of hard to believe considering the size of my family; I hadn't held an infant since June 17th.

As I held her and touched her sweet, little nose; her long fingers; her tiny feet, I couldn't help but long for my angel. I couldn't help but think about how close they would have been (if he had been born on time), and I couldn't help but wish to have my own little baby. It didn't hurt as bad as I thought it would (I think anticipation always is worse), but I think it didn't hurt as bad because it is a girl. What hurt was watching the girls interact with her, and to watch Alyssa get jealous when I held her. What hurt was holding her and having the two girls beside me as I held a little baby, and for as much as I don't think about the "what ifs" too often, I couldn't help but think of what might have been.

So perhaps that is why I had an empty, achy feeling this morning and throughout the day. Perhaps it is because while I am now able to see light at the end of the tunnel, I still know I have a long way to go, but I know I have to just "keep holding on."

Romanticize Austin... I now can!

As an English teacher, we have come to the unit of Romanticism, and I couldn't help but validate my initial feelings I felt the first couple of months after Austin's death. How does the idea of romanticism and romanticize come into play when talking about Austin? Well, I would have never thought the ideas would have connected; however, after this whole experience, I feel like you can pretty much connect anything in life to your own situation, every song, every movie, every television show, but that could be a whole other post.

Anyway, when we really looked into what the word romanticize meant, we came to a very different meaning than what most would think. Initially when you hear the word romanticize, you think of happy things: flowers, romance, love, etc; however, to truly romanticize something is to glorify something, and almost make it better than it really is. For instance, we often romanticize the good parts of our lives when we look back in nostalgia on the "good, old days," and forget the hard parts of those days or any difficulties we may have encountered. Instead, we make those days sound a lot better than they were.

With that explanation in mind, I realize that is why I had such a difficult time dealing with my emotions in that the few months following Austin's death, I wasn't able to "romanticize" or "glorify" Austin's extremely short life because of all the horror and trauma I experienced. While everyone else close to me was able to look at the day as a blessing, or a miracle, or Austin as an angel, I couldn't get past the part that it was awful and I lost something so special to me that day because of all the blood and trauma that had occurred. While I was able to see some positives in that day right away, I still wasn't able to make it a beautiful moment or even think of Austin as a beautiful baby. As a result, I have felt such guilt for not having that initial "loving" feeling toward him. I wasn't able to look at his brief birth as my son; I was ashamed and just wanted to block this whole situation out of my mind.

As the months have gone on, I now feel like I have come to a new place in my journey. I miss Austin~ I sometimes just wish I could have held him longer, or wasn't so "weirded" out on the day he was born. Sometimes I wish I wasn't so numb in the hospital, and I wasn't so relieved for my life to be spared. I am thankful that now I can think about Austin and not have all the negative thoughts come into my mind. When I look at his picture now, I can see the beauty in his face.... and as I was driving home from work today, the words of Beyonce resonate in me, as this whole experience was by far a "sweet dream," but I feel like I can now look at it as more of a beautiful nightmare. While I will never be able to romanticize the experience, I do feel like I have moved to a place where I can glorify Austin and remember the peaceful image of him sleeping that will forever remain in my heart.

(I told you that almost any song or story can be related to this experience... )