"Some people only dream of angels; we held one in our arms."

Below you will find Austin's story in multiple parts in order to tell the full story of my pregnancy, his birth, funeral and the months following.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Where does the time go?

Wow, it has been a long time since I blogged... I think the last time being a holiday weekend. Holidays are always tough; as is any occasion that allows you time to reflect on life and take a break from everything. Although I didn't write, Mother's Day was particularly tough, and it came out of nowhere... isn't that how it always happens. I thought I was just fine, but it hit really bad that Sunday night, and I just couldn't stop crying. As with the entire year, that too passed.

This past weekend, we celebrated my daughter's 3rd birthday, which she has highly anticipated for the past three months. While the day was extremely fun and she had a blast (how can you not when you are three?), there was an overall tension that I felt in anticipation for her birthday weekend. I know this is due to the fact is that all I could think about was where I was last year at this time... in bed, anxiously awaiting every day in the hopes that I would make it another day through the pregnancy. This time last year, I was naive, innocent, hopeful... and while I was on bedrest and in a great deal of pain and angst over what was going on with my body, I held on to the hope that it would all be worth it for my little one. Amazing how a year later, the circumstances can be so different. I am not as naive and innocent, and it has been an extremely difficult year, but I still hold on to hope... and that hope is what gets me through these difficult times, and the inevitable difficult moments that lie ahead...

This brings me to what has caused me to write tonight, as I feel I am trying to avoid the inevitable and deny that I am anxious about the looming first year anniversary date. My wonderful friend (and grief counselor) called me tonight and said that I needed to get out of my denial stage that the date is approaching, and make sure I have something in place for that day. I know I need to, and I feel like I somewhat have a vision in my head, but I just feel like I want to be able to honor the date, yet not have a day of mourning and sadness. With that said, I know that I want to have people with me that day, and I think the best people and support I need for that particular day would come from my friends, as opposed to family. I just feel like I have had a difficult time relating to my family during this time, and I think this will cause me further stress for a day that is going to be hard enough. But then I feel guilty, in that if my family finds out, will they be offended?

So I guess if you have any suggestions as to what I can do on this day... I would greatly appreciate it! I keep all of you in my thoughts and prayers often.... and am so grateful to have found this blog as an outlet for my feelings.


  1. I don't know how to handle trying to have just friends, not your family, but I can say that I've felt the same way many times. Sometimes, those friends just comfort you in a different way that is better at the time! Sending you love as the day approaches.

  2. I wish i had an answer for you, but the only thing i can say is go with what you feel. That day is about you and your little one and remembering, so i think whatever makes you comfortable and maybe explain to your family how you feel. Sending you Hugs and praying for you.

  3. You will know in your heart the perfect hing to do to honor Austin. I think about you all the time and always keep you in my prayers. xxx Love ya

  4. Bless your heart....I just don't know what to say about how to have only those you want with you without offending your family.

    So sad that we even have to think about those things when our hearts are already so broken anyway.

    Praying for you to know...and to feel it's everything you want it to be.

    Maybe you can plant another tree or some plants at a local park? Or have friends (and family if you like) donate to an organization you feel strongly about? Even if it's just a small party with friends and a cake or something, you'll always know what it means in your heart, even if others don't. Those who love you will know too!!!

  5. It's hard to say what to do. Everyone feels the need to do something different. For us, we had a big party and invited our family and friends. I planned it for months. Some people just have something small and private. I saw do whatever your heart tells you to do and don't worry about who you might offend. This isn't about them but about your precious baby.

  6. My councilor suggested a few things to my group for birthdays: Cake, balloon release, something you think your baby would enjoy doing on his birthday, visit resting place. For Julia's due date we released some balloons and there was something about that that lightened my heart. Go with what feels right for you, and remember, you can always do something with your family a few days or a week after just like you might with other birthdays.

    Sent your package on Friday 4th. Hope you get it in time for the 17th! Been thinking about you a lot lately and hoping that you are doing okay. Love you!