"Some people only dream of angels; we held one in our arms."

Below you will find Austin's story in multiple parts in order to tell the full story of my pregnancy, his birth, funeral and the months following.

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Austin's Story: The Funeral

The next morning was so surreal; I remember it being a beautiful day. I dressed the girls in their new pretty blue dresses (blue in honor of Austin). I got dressed and straightened my hair, put makeup on and tried to make myself look as I would normally look. I put heels on and got the cards ready to go. I packed some snacks and drinks for the girls. We stopped at Giant, and I picked a bouquet of flowers ( a cute white basket) and some balloons. I was going to have the girls release the blue and white balloons as a sign of remembrance. Hayley was so excited for this part; I don’t think she quite understood the day, nor do I know if she does still. In a way I thank God for the resilience of youth, because they help bring you back to reality and clear your mind for awhile. We arrived at the funeral home, and I got out of the car and paced a little bit. I made sure I kept my sunglasses on; I was trying not to cry. I think I was in a state of shock, and tears weren’t readily falling. As close family and friends arrived, I remember thinking how long of a time we were waiting in the parking lot. I tried to smile; I tried to make conversation with people, anything to keep my mind off of what was about to happen. As we drove to the graveyard site, it all started to hit. As we took our seats, I remember just trying to keep my eyes on the girls, and let them be my distractions. I prayed and tried to listen, but to be honest, I was too distracted. It was a beautiful ceremony, and I just tried to keep myself in control. In reality, I wasn’t having that hard of a time, as I was somewhat numb to everything. When Fr. Matt was finished, we let the girls release the balloons, and we watch them fly into the air. It was such a sweet, touching moment, that I will remember and cherish forever. We said goodbye to the people that had came, and I held on to some longer than others. I was so grateful to some of my friends for coming; while you love your family, sometimes being around your closest friends is a good distraction. After we left, I watched as the funeral director waited for us to leave so that they could put the casket into the ground. I don’t know if I wish I had been there for this part; I guess I am glad I didn’t see that.

We then went to Starbucks to grab a drink. I had a hard time focusing in there and trying to act like I was fine. I just didn’t feel like crying in front of my family, nor did I feel comfortable. I was having a hard time when people were taking pictures of all the nieces and nephews running around, and I was just sitting there having to be around everyone. Again, I wanted to be around people, but then had a hard time when I was around them.

When we went home, the girls went down for naps, and Aaron and I were just on the couch. I couldn’t take a nap; I didn’t want to fall asleep. You know that feeling you get when you just don’t want to miss anything, so you stay awake, that is what I was having. Little did I know that I was anxious to fall asleep; in reality, there was nothing to miss, but I didn’t want to have to fall asleep, forget about things and then have to wake up to the reality of what was going on. I guess in my mind falling asleep allowed me to forget about things, only to wake up and remember what a bad situation I was in.

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