So, an unexpected beautiful snow is falling here in Virginia, and I must admit it is wonderful, and I truly love watching it fall from the sky, but it also brings a mix of emotions. Maybe it is the fact that when it snows, you become trapped in your house and can't go anywhere, and I sometimes have a hard time with that. Maybe it is because the feelings of a snowstorm usually elicit excitement and happiness, yet it also just makes me feel sad and lonely. Maybe because here is another snow storm that has hit, and I feel guilty because Austin's grave will be covered, and I still haven't gotten the headstone.
There is something about the snow covering the ground without a marker there that just makes me sad. I know I need to order it; I don't know what I have been waiting for. Well, I do know, it is really expensive, but I think it is something else too. I think I know that once that is ordered, once it is placed, it will become more final to me. I think I need this to happen, so I hope that this snowy day will push me to make sure we don't have another snowy day without his grave being marked.
While I defintiely don't feel like I have to visit his grave in order to be with him or think about him, I do know I don't go nearly as often as I "should" or "want" to. Again, I think if we had a headstone, that might make it easier to go there. It is hard to go and just stare at an empty, small space. Hmm, so maybe that is why the snow falling is causing me to feel uneasiness today, as I know there are things that I still need to do, and there are reasons for me still feeling unsettled.
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Hi Meredith, your blog reminded me of a quote I read in that book "Life Touches Life" by Lorraine Ash. It was said by a man who had lost his whole family in a car accident. He said "Don't wait until you're ready to get back into life because you know what? You're never going to be ready. Just get back in. Don't let anything pass you by." I was thinking of this in relation to your not being ready to purchase Austin's gravestone. As scary or intimidating as it may be, it is a part of the grieving process and you need to let yourself go through it.
ReplyDeleteI too have been putting off doing some things that would put me back in my pre-pregnancy schedule partly because I don't want to talk to certain people and partly because I would feel like I was moving on from my grieving. I too don't feel ready and have thought that I should just jump back in but have been hesitating. I am intimidated by it b/c I am afraid of all the feelings that I might feel, and like I am turning the page in my book and I don't know what is around the corner.
So, I guess what I am saying is that I can sympathize with your hesitancy of continuing on the grieving journey, but we can't stop. There will be hurdles along the way but it will get easier and we will grow, we just have to let ourselves.
Andrea XXOO