"Some people only dream of angels; we held one in our arms."

Below you will find Austin's story in multiple parts in order to tell the full story of my pregnancy, his birth, funeral and the months following.

Friday, January 1, 2010

New Year: New Beginnings

2009... Scared. Panic. Relief. Excitement. Joy. Growth. Family. Family of Three. Love. Prayer. Belief. Patience. Rest. Sickness. Blood. Blood. Blood. Heartache. Grief. Sadness. Loss. Pain. Suffering. Emotions. Fear. Anxiety. Stress. Mourning. Sadness. Angels. Searching. Distractions. Unknown. Meaning. Journey. Awakening. Hope. Peace. Wisdom. Comfort.

2009: A year of intense emotions unlike any ever experienced before. A year in which I endured more pain and suffering than ever before in my 27 years. A year that began as a normal and typical year, that quickly changed into a year of the above emotions and various states of mind. A year in which I found out early that I was expecting our third child and was initially scared of another one so soon, yet quickly changed to happiness at the anticipated growth of our family. From there, the ever-changing emotions of hope and fear as I tried every day to make it for my little one to survive. A year of excruciating pain and heartache as I laid to rest the angel that was born, the angel that I never was able to know; my angel, Austin, my babybluelove. A year that I have learned more about myself, my faith, my family than ever before. A year that will forever be with me; a year that I wish I didn't have to live through, a year that I know has forever changed me.

January 1, 2010... a date I have been looking forward to for the past six months. 2010... a year, in which I long for promising things, new challenges, a sense of peace and comfort, as I continue to journey through the emotions of losing my little Austin. Part of moving on and healing is the decision to create this outlet for me to express what I am feeling, to share my story, to help others that may be on a similar journey, and to ultimately grow as a person. As a new year begins, I hope that I can continue to learn from the challenges that 2009 presented to me in every facet of my life: physical, emotional, and spiritual. While I know that 2010 will have its own ups and downs, I am also confident that the struggles and hardships I faced in 2009 have prepared me to be a better person. I am ready to move forward and to use the tragedy and traumatic experience of Austin to help make a difference in other's lives.

Here is to 2010... a year of hope, peace and comfort.... a year that is hopefully not marked with such sadness and grief, but filled more with the joy and happiness found in the simple things of life.

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