"Some people only dream of angels; we held one in our arms."

Below you will find Austin's story in multiple parts in order to tell the full story of my pregnancy, his birth, funeral and the months following.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

A Healing Broken Heart

Thank you so much for allowing me to share Austin's story and for the sweet words of encouragement and compassion that many women have given me. I know it has been over six months since he passed, and I knew all along I probably should have written about the situation, but I am just grateful that I found this outlet to discuss my feelings and to relate to so many women who are along the same path as me.

I came across this in an email message this morning, as I was doing my morning devotionals and prayers. It said the following: "Broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect."

For awhile during the initial and very painful stages of my grief journey (months 2 and 3), my heart was literally hurting. I had so much pain in my chest and heart area, and I truly believe I had a broken heart. Of course, you often hear this term figuratively and I never really understood true heartache until I lost Austin. If you had told me that my broken heart was going to make me a stronger person, I wouldn't have beleived it. Now, looking back, I realize that this whole experience, my completely shattered and broken heart , has provided me so much strength and has allowed me a whole new perspective on life situations. While I have always been a very sympathetic person to many people, through my loss and my own heartache, I have now grown extremely empathetic to many individuals, not only those who have lost a child, but those who have lost anything in life.

All throughout this journey, I have wanted it to be over... I kept saying and pleading with God, "Please just let me be done with 'this,'" "Please just let me me put it behind me." I was so set on handling this "perfectly" and being so strong. After reading the above passage, I realize there is such joy in being imperfect and realizing that I have to relinquish the desire to be perfect and be in control, because that is just it. The only way for my broken heart to heal is to lean on God and the support of others, and until I started really doing that, I was only going to look at my broken heart in a negative light. Six months out, I can see that God's healing power is working through me right now, and I can also see that this broken heart of mine has taught me more about life and the human spirit than I ever thought I would learn.

So, here's to all of us with broken hearts; may we continue to learn and grow from our crushed dreams and hopes of our little ones, and continue to come out of our grief journeys as we become stronger, wiser and more compassionate individuals.


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  2. I completely agree. A broken and scarred heart makes you stronger. I for one, now brush aside petty things. I love harder, laugh more, and bring my cares to Him more. It is sad to say that it takes the loss of our babies, to make us realize how strong we really are. Thinking of you Meredith.