"Some people only dream of angels; we held one in our arms."

Below you will find Austin's story in multiple parts in order to tell the full story of my pregnancy, his birth, funeral and the months following.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

complicated emotions

Here we go again... what seems like the never-ending rocky ride of this rollercoaster journey. This week has been difficult, I have had a lot on my mind and that achy "weight on my chest" feeling has returned. The week started with a guest speaker at church speaking about the sanctity of life and he told the story of a woman that had a baby at 23 weeks old, and the baby was fighting for its life right now. (This should probably be another post, but let's just say, the way the message was conveyed, it made me question and doubt the decisions we were forced to make in the hospital that day.) Needless to say, my mind and heart have been wrestling with the whole "what if" scenarios that I usually try so very hard to avoid.

Tonight, as I checked my email, I found out my sister is pregnant with her seventh child.... sadness, bitterness, anger, annoyed, envious are probably all the emotions I felt as soon as I read the email.... I knew this day would come when someone else in my family would have the "next baby," but I just didn't think I would feel this bad about it. That is all I can write for the moment; I am so sad and frustrated... I feel so tainted and jaded when it comes to pregnancy, especially when it seems so "natural and normal" for everyone else.


  1. You described it best - that achy feeling. Sending hugs your way.

  2. You said exactly how I feel. It seems so "natural and normal" for everyone else. It just doesn't seem fair. Even though I am happy for all the pregnant people around me, it still hurts.

  3. Please don't questions the decisions you have made, easier said than done, right. But think of it this way, if you didn't make the ones you did, instead of being better, it could have been worse! And WAYYYYY worse at that. We had to decided to take Elliot off of life support and I do not questin that decision anymore, I used to, but I know how much I loved my baby boy and as a mother, I did what I felt was best for him, not myself or anyone else, and I am sure your decision was based the same way! It was a real struggle for me, I would stay up all night sick because of it...but it could have been worse and I am thankful that it wasn't!
    My sister has 5 kids and if she were to tell me she was pregnant again, I really think I would just lose it! We all deserve to have our babies back with us!!!
    HUGS to you today!

  4. Meredith, my heart aches for you and understands the weight on your mind and heart. One of the most difficult moments thus far in my emotional journey was coming to terms with our decision on not reviving Julia after she was born. I too have all those "what if" thoughts, they seem to carry the most burden. I felt guilty for not trying everything we could, but in my heart I knew that Julia was too little and we didn't want her to suffer. As my husband and I held her she passed away in our arms, peacefully with much love and comfort, and later I felt her soul go to heaven. I don't know what that speaker said, but you must not let it eat you up - you made the best decision you could out of love for Austin and your family. XOXO

  5. I am sorry you are feeling this way. I can totally understand. I just found out the other day that a friend of mine is pg w/twins, when i first heard my heart immediately sank. I just had to pray and ask god to help me with my emotions. So i send out prayers and love to you that the weight on your chest is removed as he is removing the sinking of my heart.