Seven Months

Surprisingly, I didn't post the past couple of days, although it marked seven months on Sunday since I saw my little Austin. I didn't post because despite the anniversary, it was a good day, and I took the day for what it was and did just that; enjoyed it. Of course, we took time to remember him; we went to church, and someone had actually offered the Mass for him, so it felt nice to just hear his name mentioned in the intentions. We had planned to go to the cemetery, but it was pouring rain and with two kids, we figured it was probably not the best decision. Instead, we went for a family breakfast, just the four of us. We did the mundane grocery shopping, and then I came home and actually put the house back together. I can tell I had been in a fog for awhile because the house was looking rough. I re-arranged things, and placed out some Valentine and Love decorative pieces. I even put up a picture of Austin in the kitchen now, above the sink. There are new frames everywhere, and the house looks so much better.


Although Sunday was a restful day, and I was filled with peace, the inner turmoil and sadness returned yesterday and have continued throughout the day! I don't know what it is; I guess it is when I am alone and with my thoughts that I am just genuinely sad. It doesn't matter if I am exercising or sitting in my classroom after a long day, my mind immediately turns to him and sometimes it just still feels so overwhelming. Where I have come so far, at times I feel like it is all replaying over and over again, and it is never going to stop.

Last night, I asked my husband if he thought we were ready to have a baby; I know I am not yet, but I just wanted to see what he would say. He said probably not for another three-four years; not the response I was soliciting, and I guess that too made me sad. Sad because never before would getting preganant provide such fear, apprehension and uncertainity. Sad because it is so daunting to look at the "next one" and really believe that it is possible. Although it is sad, the glimmer is that I can actually think about having one, which I know I have a come a long way if I can find some hope in another child.

As I write this, I am also sad because I return to grad school tonight, and it is back to the building where I had a really bad bleed and an ambulance had to come.... it just brings back the flood of awful memories that were part of this whole long process. Of course, I am just re-living that day, where the bleeding became serious and I realized how long of a battle it was going to be; of course then, I still thought it was all going to be worth it.

Well, I wish I would have posted this on Sunday, on a much happier, lighter note, but we all know how quickly emotions change, so I am sure you will understand.